Where is "he" already??

I've been in a funk all day now, to the point, where I'm getting mad! A poignant Sex and the City scene keeps popping into my brain. The girls are sitting around the usual table at their usual coffee shop talking about the usual relationship stuff when Charlotte blurts out, "Where is he already? I've been dating since I Was 15! I'm exhausted!" That's me...to a "T", but not with men, with my J-O-B!

Where is it already??? I've been working since I was 15. I started working at K-Mart in the shoe department. Then went on to working summer jobs at the Saratoga Spa State Park. I worked for years at Montgomery Ward (Monkey Wards) until they closed down. I've babysat, worked as an assistant store manager in a women's clothing store, cashiered at two different gas station chains, was an auction girl at an auto auction, I even flipped burgers for Burger King for THREE WHOLE DAYS when I was 18. After my son was born I went to work for a medical billing company and worked my way through every office position there.

Then...I went back to school. At 28 I decided enough was enough. I had worked too many dead end go-nowhere don't need even a high school diploma jobs and I wanted more. I went back to school. I originally was going to go back for Nuclear Radio-technology. I was going to be the technician who gave people MRIs and cool tests like that. But when I found out that I would have to move to Buffalo for an extended amount of time, I changed my educational path. I stuck with science, got my Bachelor's in biology and decided-I'm going to be a high school teacher! I was told all throughout college that teacher's are a much needed commodity. That some 50% of the teachers are in retirement age and the schools are HURTING for good teachers. So-I went on and pursued my Masters in Education. The whole time being told-Oh, don't worry, you're a science teacher, you'll have no problems getting a job.

Unfortunately when it was time for my flower to bloom, the recession hit, the economy tanked, and the new governor (who received his post by default) decided that it would be a GREAT idea to start cutting funding towards education.

So here I am, 9 months later, working as a substitute teacher. But that's only IF I get called. January-I was called 4 times. So far this month, 5. So, here I am, with a part time job at a grocery store.

I'm frustrated.

I'm angry.

I'm depressed.

I'm still waiting...

I think I can, I think I can...

Well, I did it. I took my first step yesterday to a better financial future. I had my appointment with my lawyer and "retained" her. I also did the unceremonious shredding of the credit cards. My friend was right. My wallet feels "naked" without them sitting there. It's not like I was using them. They were sitting there as the reminder of all the debt I've gotten myself into. Now though, there is a sense of freedom. I will no longer be a slave to my debt. I will be the one holding the reins of my future. I NEED HELP!

As much as there is some sense of relief, there is still an overwhelming feeling of defeat. I've gotten myself into this mess, no one helped me. My attorney tried to make me feel better. Tried to tell me that I haven't had it easy-being a single mom, getting my college education, enduring the loss of 95% of my person possessions in a fire, not being able to find a full time job since I graduated. All these things have been piling up on my shoulders along with my debt. Unfortunately for a long time I ignored the words of people who really did care about me who were telling me that I was going down a road that was going to be hard to come back from. I've always been someone who has to learn from her own mistakes. Even if I've had to make those mistakes a couple of times. I just wish the "I told you so's" didn't sting as much. I've admitted my defeat. I was wrong. I never received a good financial education. I went with the "norm". What good does it do to continually throw it in my face over and over how deep I've dug my hole? Some people, even family, get joy out of being right, out of getting in the stabs whenever they can to feel as self righteous as possible I guess.

I WAS WRONG! I DID WRONG!

I'm not so narcissistic that I cannot admit when I'm wrong. I've been wrong before, and I'm about 99% sure that I'll be wrong in the future. But I'm going to fight with all my might not to be wrong about THIS again. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt(and way to much other stuff I probably shouldn't have). Reality has slapped me the face...and I'm listening.

With that being said, I'm FIERCE. And, I CAN DO THIS!

Relationships...I might not be cut out for them, but that doesn't mean I'm giving up.

It seems I always find myself in front of the computer at odd hours of the night. Tonight I had a really great conversation with someone I consider a dear dear friend. He allowed me to vent (yet again...) on a subject I've often vented to him about. After that we got down to some heart to heart conversation. Why is it that I always have these ground breaking, actually opening up and getting to the truth of it conversations with you when it's the wee hours of the morn'?

So, weirdness, the conversation brought up some thoughts in my brain about myself that I tend not to deal with. I'm very good at that...not dealing with my own "stuff". I've always found that I've been a very good listener. I'm great at lending an ear to a fellow sufferer. But when it comes to my own "stuff" I've never been able to connect with anyone to really get down to the meat of my issues.

So, tonight, even though during my phone conversation I touched upon this, I want to address one of my "stuff" things.

I've always prided myself on being an independent woman. I've been a single mom now for some 10+ years. I've always lived on my own. When I did live with someone, my son's father, I was the provider. I was the one to go bust a hump to bring in money, buy the groceries, fix the house up, etc. etc. etc... I've never actually had someone take care of me. I don't think I've ever actually ALLOWED anyone to take care of me.

Over the past 5 months I've been thinking about my past relationships and tried to figure out where they went "wrong". I'm not so narcissistic to say that it was all their fault and I did nothing wrong. In one or 2 of them I can say...yes, I let myself get taken advantage off, they shouldn't have treated me that way, or they were wrong. In others, I can place blame on myself and say, yes, that was me, that was my fault.

I'm not going to even attempt to talk about my 1st real relationship. It was a good time, it was a bad time. For the most part, I still have the dark bad times in the fore front of my memory, so I won't try to dwell.

So, I think the healthiest way to try to evaluate this particular subject is to look at the relationships that were the "good" ones, aside from the fact that they ended and I am still single that is (we'll just forget that point for the time being). First, "Matt". His name isn't really Matt, but I am changing names to protect the innocent. Matt was my first real relationship after I had Zach. Matt was great. He took all my past junk that I dragged into the relationship and allowed me to draw lines, establish relationship "rules", and then he eventually was there when some of my walls came down. Problems, well, Matt wasn't divorced yet. He had been in a very bad marriage, his wife left him for another man and left their son with him, pretty much abandoning the poor kid. I was at a point in my life where I was extremely unhappy with my job. When Matt could see the finish line of his marriage in sight, he started talking marriage to me. Meanwhile I was looking toward a different horizon-my education. Needless to say, we were looking in opposite directions. Where I went wrong...instead of making compromises, instead of saying, HEY-lets wait on that whole marriage thing so that I can go back to school, I ran. I quit. I can admit that now. Matt had suggested that I go back to school part time. I didn't want that. I wanted to take on school head on. I want I want I want... So, are you seeing the problem here? Instead of dealing with the situation like a rational adult, talking to the special someone in my life about decisions that would effect both of us, I went ahead and made the decision for us. I left. I walked away. I ran. Selfish...I know. Hindsight is 20/20. I can say that I loved Matt, but ultimately wasn't in the kind of love with him, as he was with me.

Then there is... Devin. Again, names have been changed to protect the innocent. Devin and I were best friends. I loved him. I still do love him actually. I think that's how when you look back on things you can tell that it was really love, when you look back at all the good and the bad, and can still say-I love them. Well anyway, so, Devin and I were best friends. I would hope to still say that he is still one of my best friends. I had a lot of fun with him. We had some of the best conversations. And I feel like he "got me" better than any other guy I've ever dated. The problem with this relationship is we were also really good at hurting each other. We did that both equally. We both entrusted each other at the very beginning of the relationship with each other's baggage. In doing that, I made sure to keep him at an extremely huge distance, to the point that when he first divulged the least bit of verbal sentiment, I freaked. I successfully pushed him away which resulted in him doing the same. So, here-I again, tried to control the situation.

The last, we'll call him Rob. Rob was way too emotional for me. He was overbearing and too possessive for me. He was the first guy, besides my son's father, that I dated that I didn't know for a time before I dated him. I thought, a step outside my usual box would be good for me. I was wrong. I find comfort in knowing someone before I start to date them. That could be me not wanting to take a chance, but who knows.

So, in retrospective, I see a few things. My inability to depend on someone else. I do know that it's not that I want to be completely dependent on someone else, because I don't think that is healthy either. But I want to strive for inter-dependence. To be equally dependent on someone. It's not that I don't need someone. I do, I need someone to be my friend, to spend time with, to talk to. I need someone to help me and support me in my decisions in life, as I would want to help and support them as well.

My taking over a situation and not working with my "partner". This actually goes back to my inability to depend on someone else. Again-something I need to work on.

And my willingness to open up and show my true self? Always hard for me...but I'm getting better!

I'm not trying to be completely critical and down on myself. I just realize that there are some things I need to be a grown up about. This is one of them. My self in a relationship. I will continue to pray and ask God to bring good positive people into my life. I know that when the time is right He will bring someone into my life whom is what I need and whom I want. For now, I'll ask God for the strength and guidance to work on myself in ways that will improve the person that I am and person that He always wanted me to be.

Ridiculous email that I received today...

Alrighty, so today I received an email about a USPS stamp. This email adamantly urged me to BOYCOTT the stamp because and I quote: "To use this stamp would be a slap in the face to all those AMERICANS who died at the hand whom this stamp honors."



This is the stamp:


The stamp is not a USPS issued stamp, there is a website zazzle.com where you can go and pretty much put whatever picture you want on a postage stamp and that is where this stamp originated from. The stamp was created to commemorate two Muslim festivals, Eid Al-Fitr, a festival which celebrates the end of Ramadan (a month of fasting), and Eid Al-Adha, a festival about Abraham (yes... Ladies and Gentlemen...the same Abraham from the Old Testament) and his willingness to sacrifice his son in response to God's command (the only difference is the Judeo-Christian belief is that Abraham gave up his son Isaac, not Ishmael).

Now this email also tried to use good old-fashioned American guilt to force me to "boycott" this stamp telling me to:

REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of Pan AM Flight 103!
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the World Trade Center in 1993!
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the Marine Barracks in Lebanon!
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the American Embassies in Africa!
REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the USS COLE!
REMEMBER the MUSLIM attack of 9/11/2001!
and to
REMEMBER all the AMERICANS lives that were lost in those vicious MUSLIM attacks!

Now....don't start preparing your raving comments quite yet. I'm an American through and through. I'm proud to be an American. I give thanks to those who have been called to duty to serve our country in the name of peace and justice. I give homage to those who have lost their lives defending our country in the past and today. I support every single service man and woman who put their lives on the line to serve our country. I wept for the victims of 9/11. I in NO WAY condone the use of violence on innocent civilians (a.k.a. victims) for ANY radical groups to "get their point across".

With that being said, this was THE most racist, prejudice, scathing, ridiculous, ignorant email that I have ever received in my life. If you are the one who sent it to me, hey...sorry...calling a spade a spade there hun. The original author of this email deserves a seat right next to a KKK Kleagle.

The legitimacy of boycotting a stamp like this would be on the same lines as boycotting any specialty stamp that had let's say... a Shamrock on it. Sure, let's BOYCOTT any stamps that have any reference to Ireland, shamrocks, leprechauns, or St. Patrick's Day! Well? Why not? By supporting Ireland and those specialty stamps, which again, are not issued by the USPS but are available on zazzle.com, you are supporting the IRA and the hundreds if not thousands of English men and women who have been killed by their guerrilla campaign to eradicate the British from Ireland!

Here's why this is a ridiculous notion. Boycotting ANY stamp is a moot point. Only people who are remotely interested in using these stamps....Muslim or Irish or...people who are pink and have purple polka dots all over their bodies.... have to go out of their way to special order these stamps. You will not be handed these stamps at the counter of your local post office or even out of the USPS vending machine! They are a SPECIALTY item sold to people who REQUEST them. Regardless, the money that is collected for the sale of these stamps, even if they are not distributed directly by the USPS, goes...to the USPS! It doesn't go to the web site you purchased them from, it doesn't go to any radical religious group or terrorist organization....it goes to the U.S. federal government!


I am just disgusted that some people hold the belief that in order to be a patriotic American, you need to hold an US versus THEM mentality. Please remember that we, as Americans, fought our first battles for our own freedoms. Yes, it was a bunch of gray haired aristocrats that really just didn't want to pay their taxes to Mother England, but it ultimately gave freedom to every American.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness."
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof..."

And most importantly, that which we have built our country on, a land of immigrants we are:

"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddles masses yearning to breath free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me..."

The United States has been heralded as the "Mother of Exiles" for over 200 years my friends. Be it for religious freedom, political freedom, financial freedom, etc. And the Americans that protect those rights, our right to free speech, freedom of religion, freedom of the press, freedom to bare arms, freedom of assembly, suffrage, etc.; those rights are defended by Americans. Americans of all different races, creeds and colors. By Christians, Jews, Hindus, Muslims, Buddhists, or Atheists. By white, black, Indian, Chinese, Latino, American Indian, etc...etc...etc...

An American has no color, but is every color. An American has no creed, but is every creed. An American has no race, but is every race

Getting to the thick of it

OK so it's time for me to get real.

I'm broke. I'm so broke I can't even afford to pay attention half the time...which for those who know me is probably why I tend to ramble on from tangent to tangent pretty consistently.

So, here is my tale.

I went back to school in 2004. I was working at a Medical billing company, a very 9-5 job. I loved the people I worked with (most of the time), but hated what I did. So, after a few missed attempts at promotions, I decided I needed a change. I went back to school and got my Bachelors in Biology. In the course of my Bachelors I decided that I really wanted to be a teacher, so, after my undergrad, I went ahead and completed my Masters in Education.

During all this education, I worked, mostly part-time. I'm a single mom of, if I do say so, one of the brightest and smartest little boys I know, Zachariah. I've been out of my parents house for the most part since I was 18, and throughout Zach's life have always had my own place with him. In order to sustain a household and provide for us I worked part-time. I managed to stay on with the medical billing firm I worked for as a part-timer. They were very generous and even at one point allowed me to work into the evening to get hours in, pretty much inventing a shift. I left for a semester and they even re-hired me for 4-5 months. I finally left in October of 2008 for good and remained working at the community college that I had first attended as a Biology Lab assistant and tutor. It wasn't great money, just a few extra dollars in my pocket for gas. But for the most part, I lived off of student loans.

Now, this was my 3rd attempt at college. I had attended a SUNY University on Long Island right out of high school when I was 17. A mixture of breaking out of my parent's control, drinking, and getting Mono forced me to withdraw after one semester. I continued with 2 night classes the following semester, but at that point in time had just about had it with school, and didn't continue on. I worked, and after getting laid off went back to school when I was 23 for communications and radio/television broadcasting. I loved it. I loved the classes, I loved the hands on work, I loved going from school to school playing dances, I loved participating in charity events. I did not, however, care for the wages of a radio on-air personality. So, after having my son, I went to work for a medical billing company. Which then brings us full circle to the beginning of my tail, me returning to school in 2004 at the age of 29.

Going back to school allowed me to put previous student loans on deferment. But, in order to pay rent, buy groceries, pay for car insurance, pay the electric bill, phone bill, cell bill, cable bill, (etc...) I used student loans. During school the one thing you worry about is studying, and papers, and studying, and exams, and making sure you are doing everything in your power to absorb the course information so that you get a good grade and can move on to more interesting yet more difficult level classes in the next semester. You are not worrying about the amount of money that you are borrowing so that you can go ahead and attend said classes and pay your living expenses while doing so.

But that, unfortunately, is where I am now. Eight months after my final graduation and I am faced with $130,000 in student loan debt. Yes, you read that right. $130,000.00 give or take some change. $81,000 of that debt is private student loans, with the rest being federally back student loans.

What's the difference you ask? Oh, please let me enlighten you. Federally back student loans, a.k.a. FFELP loans, are backed by just that, the federal government. They are serviced by a company, such as Sallie Mae, American Education Services, or a number of other companies that do the same job, but there is a guarantee. If you do not pay your student loans, the federal government guarantees those loans. Meaning, you don't pay, they will. Oh-you'll pay regardless. The federal government will sue you, garnish your wages, and claim any rights to any income tax refunds you may have for the rest of your life(or until you being to pay of course).

Private student loans, well, they are very similar to a personal loan that is taken out for 15-30 years. Right now, my monthly payment is going to be about $1000 for all my private student loans. Even when (not if...WHEN) I get my luxurious full time teaching position, I will not be able to afford that payment. As of right now, I have them calling and sending me notice after notice about the balance and amounts due.

So...I called an attorney. I'm not proud of it. I'm down right embarrassed about it. I've had a sinking feeling in my stomach for a few months now, knowing that it might come to this. This might be my only option at this point though.

One thing I do know, is I have to learn to manage my money better. I'm (gulp...) 34, and I am crappy with money! There...I admit it, I'm bad with money. I need help. I can't ask my parents for help. As with most kid/parent relationships I mostly feel like when I ask for advice from my parents I get a lecture. I don't need a lecture, I need tangible applicable methods that I can enact to better manage my money! A friend suggested a book...The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. So, tomorrow during my errands, I'm going to run my butt over to B&N and pick up a copy. I'm going to take the time to read it, and hopefully, get my financial future back on track.

I was scared to have to start this journey. But after I had the first conversation with the lawyer this morning, I feel a little better. There is still some apprehension there. I still have a long ways to go, but one of my favorite things to do is start on a new journey...so that's how I'm going to look at this, as a fresh new journey.

NBC debacle

OK, I'm not usually one to follow headlines concerning actors and actresses. Other than the cover of magazines I walk past endlessly at Price Chopper, I don't have the time to follow the Hollywood gossip. I don't care if Brad and Angelina are splitting, I don't care who is having a baby....

But, I feel compelled to comment on the whole Tonight Show scandal. Jay Leno gave up The Tonight Show which was deservingly rewarded to Conan O'Brien. Jimmy Fallon then took over Conan's late night time slot. Then the tiny snag in NBC's plan....Leno tanked in prime time.

Let's see. All Leno did was repackage his version of the Tonight Show and broadcast it at 10pm EST. He got rid of the desk and decided to talk to his guests family style. Same band. Same lame jokes. Same format pretty much. Had Leno decided to change things up...I don't know, try a variety show, ANYTHING different, he may have been able to capture some type of an audience. I'm sorry, I'm not forgoing watching my CSI to watch Jay...he's just not that interesting.

Getting to Conan. I love Conan. Conan is a late night host who SHOULD be up there with the greats of Carson and Letterman. He revolutionized his time slot. He brought new and interesting skits, he never beat a dead horse, he's personable and likable! Over the past few years I would either suffer through Leno or switch over to Letterman before Conan came on. Jimmy Fallon is doing a good job at filling the time slot, and is beginning to make a name for himself. Conan changed that time slot forever and has some mighty big shoes to fill.

Just recently within the last hour or so I've seen reports where NBC is coming to a deal with Conan for him to leave the network. How can I say this gently...okay, I can't.....NBC GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASSES! You are letting one of the best talents you have left on your network go! Yes, he's pretty much thrown you under the bus in the last week or so, but I'm sorry, you've done that yourselves with this seasons programming choices! Props for Mercy and Trauma...but what else have you brought to the table? You've lost Thursday and Sunday nights to ABC. You've lost Monday and Wednesday nights to CBS. You threw all this money into a 10pm time slot for Jay Leno which SUCKED....it was a carbon copy of his Tonight Show stint. Something tells me that stockholders should be taking a serious look at whether NBC executives are making sound investments in their programming future. America's Got Talent is not going to float a network.

It will be a sad night for The Tonight Show if Conan O'Brien is let go. It will be a once again boring time slot should NBC put Leno back in his place. O'Brien is right, NBC has not supported him and has not given him enough time to build an audience...it's been 7 months. Some shows take 1-2 seasons to build a fan base, but whatever you do, give this man some cement shoes instead of a life preserver.

1st solo movie....I CAN do it!

Ok ladies, and gentleman...I did it. I went to my very first movie all by myself. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't a noble attempt, I even tried to ask a friend to go, who would have even gone had they not been under the weather. But, determined that I was going to get out of the house and see a movie, I went. I had a few options and had narrowed it down to either Sherlock Holmes, or a romantic comedy called Leap Year. Well, being a romantic at heart, I went and saw Leap Year. Now, on the scale of romantic comedies, this was a very cute movie. That being said, I do not recommend that a single woman going to the movies by herself for the very first time see a romantic comedy. Go see a full blown laugh out loud comedy. Steer away from the romantics.

I admit, I shed a few tears. But, without being with anyone...there was no one to comfort me. But, there was also no one to poke fun at me. Which, in my experience, tends to be what happens to me when I cry at a movie and I'm with someone. This leads me to think that maybe I have too tough an exterior? More on that for another blog. It's way to late to start philosophizing about my emotional health.

The important fact is, I did it. Funny enough, the friend that I tried to recruit to see a movie with me tonight was my inspiration for seeing a movie solo to being with. They had told me in the past that they have gone several times, and enjoyed it. So, I decided, hell, I'm independent enough, I don't NEED to have someone with me, I can go by myself. And, I did.

Conclusion: I can do it, but I enjoy seeing a movie with someone else much more. I'm a social creature, I can't help it. I enjoy the company of other people. It doesn't have to be a huge group, I'm good with one-on-one also. But, overall, I am a social person, and have a very extroverted personality. It's me, I can't help who I am.

Will I go to another solo movie? Maybe. Would I prefer the company of a special someone or friend? Always.