Relationships...I might not be cut out for them, but that doesn't mean I'm giving up.

It seems I always find myself in front of the computer at odd hours of the night. Tonight I had a really great conversation with someone I consider a dear dear friend. He allowed me to vent (yet again...) on a subject I've often vented to him about. After that we got down to some heart to heart conversation. Why is it that I always have these ground breaking, actually opening up and getting to the truth of it conversations with you when it's the wee hours of the morn'?

So, weirdness, the conversation brought up some thoughts in my brain about myself that I tend not to deal with. I'm very good at that...not dealing with my own "stuff". I've always found that I've been a very good listener. I'm great at lending an ear to a fellow sufferer. But when it comes to my own "stuff" I've never been able to connect with anyone to really get down to the meat of my issues.

So, tonight, even though during my phone conversation I touched upon this, I want to address one of my "stuff" things.

I've always prided myself on being an independent woman. I've been a single mom now for some 10+ years. I've always lived on my own. When I did live with someone, my son's father, I was the provider. I was the one to go bust a hump to bring in money, buy the groceries, fix the house up, etc. etc. etc... I've never actually had someone take care of me. I don't think I've ever actually ALLOWED anyone to take care of me.

Over the past 5 months I've been thinking about my past relationships and tried to figure out where they went "wrong". I'm not so narcissistic to say that it was all their fault and I did nothing wrong. In one or 2 of them I can say...yes, I let myself get taken advantage off, they shouldn't have treated me that way, or they were wrong. In others, I can place blame on myself and say, yes, that was me, that was my fault.

I'm not going to even attempt to talk about my 1st real relationship. It was a good time, it was a bad time. For the most part, I still have the dark bad times in the fore front of my memory, so I won't try to dwell.

So, I think the healthiest way to try to evaluate this particular subject is to look at the relationships that were the "good" ones, aside from the fact that they ended and I am still single that is (we'll just forget that point for the time being). First, "Matt". His name isn't really Matt, but I am changing names to protect the innocent. Matt was my first real relationship after I had Zach. Matt was great. He took all my past junk that I dragged into the relationship and allowed me to draw lines, establish relationship "rules", and then he eventually was there when some of my walls came down. Problems, well, Matt wasn't divorced yet. He had been in a very bad marriage, his wife left him for another man and left their son with him, pretty much abandoning the poor kid. I was at a point in my life where I was extremely unhappy with my job. When Matt could see the finish line of his marriage in sight, he started talking marriage to me. Meanwhile I was looking toward a different horizon-my education. Needless to say, we were looking in opposite directions. Where I went wrong...instead of making compromises, instead of saying, HEY-lets wait on that whole marriage thing so that I can go back to school, I ran. I quit. I can admit that now. Matt had suggested that I go back to school part time. I didn't want that. I wanted to take on school head on. I want I want I want... So, are you seeing the problem here? Instead of dealing with the situation like a rational adult, talking to the special someone in my life about decisions that would effect both of us, I went ahead and made the decision for us. I left. I walked away. I ran. Selfish...I know. Hindsight is 20/20. I can say that I loved Matt, but ultimately wasn't in the kind of love with him, as he was with me.

Then there is... Devin. Again, names have been changed to protect the innocent. Devin and I were best friends. I loved him. I still do love him actually. I think that's how when you look back on things you can tell that it was really love, when you look back at all the good and the bad, and can still say-I love them. Well anyway, so, Devin and I were best friends. I would hope to still say that he is still one of my best friends. I had a lot of fun with him. We had some of the best conversations. And I feel like he "got me" better than any other guy I've ever dated. The problem with this relationship is we were also really good at hurting each other. We did that both equally. We both entrusted each other at the very beginning of the relationship with each other's baggage. In doing that, I made sure to keep him at an extremely huge distance, to the point that when he first divulged the least bit of verbal sentiment, I freaked. I successfully pushed him away which resulted in him doing the same. So, here-I again, tried to control the situation.

The last, we'll call him Rob. Rob was way too emotional for me. He was overbearing and too possessive for me. He was the first guy, besides my son's father, that I dated that I didn't know for a time before I dated him. I thought, a step outside my usual box would be good for me. I was wrong. I find comfort in knowing someone before I start to date them. That could be me not wanting to take a chance, but who knows.

So, in retrospective, I see a few things. My inability to depend on someone else. I do know that it's not that I want to be completely dependent on someone else, because I don't think that is healthy either. But I want to strive for inter-dependence. To be equally dependent on someone. It's not that I don't need someone. I do, I need someone to be my friend, to spend time with, to talk to. I need someone to help me and support me in my decisions in life, as I would want to help and support them as well.

My taking over a situation and not working with my "partner". This actually goes back to my inability to depend on someone else. Again-something I need to work on.

And my willingness to open up and show my true self? Always hard for me...but I'm getting better!

I'm not trying to be completely critical and down on myself. I just realize that there are some things I need to be a grown up about. This is one of them. My self in a relationship. I will continue to pray and ask God to bring good positive people into my life. I know that when the time is right He will bring someone into my life whom is what I need and whom I want. For now, I'll ask God for the strength and guidance to work on myself in ways that will improve the person that I am and person that He always wanted me to be.