So...today was a trying day. On Wednesdays Zach attends a special afternoon activity, it's bowling at the local bowling alley. It's only a 10 week program, and they charge $10 for 3 games, shoes, and the transportation to the alley. So, for the past few weeks I've been sending Zach to school with a $20 bill in an envelope clearly labeled "BOWLING $$" and have told him that he is to give the envelope to the people at the alley. I had tried to prepay at the beginning of the program, but they decided that prepay wasn't a good idea incase of emergencies, or a snow day. They didn't want to have to worry about refunding anyone any money. The last two times our envelope system worked, no problems. He gave the woman at the alley the money, and the excess $10 was applied to the next weeks bowling. I verified with the woman in charge that the money was received.
Today was different. I put the money in the envelope as usual and brought Zach to school. I picked him up from bowling BUT didn't check with the woman about the money. I thought, hey-I can trust him, he's a good kid. Zach asked what we were having for dinner, I told him Chicken Manicotti, he didn't seem very interested, but with new things he usually never is. During dinner he picked at his plate. He offered to eat twice as many vegetables in exchange of his main dish. He was acting like he'd already eaten. My mom picked up on it and kept asking Zach what he had to eat at the bowling alley. Every time he answered nothing.
Finally I told him that if he answered honestly he wouldn't get in trouble.
Now I know that I shouldn't have said it quite like that. I should have said that he wouldn't get in as much trouble. And now I'm worried that in the future he might not be as willing to tell me things.
He finally admitted to taking money. When the woman at the bowling alley was collecting money, Zach opened the envelope, gave her the $20 bill, then asked for $10 change, of which she gave him. Why shouldn't she, she's not his mother, she didn't know that he would get in trouble. So, he took the $10 bill and went to the snack bar with his friend, and bought curly fries, cookies and ice cream. $10 worth... of curly fries.... cookies.... and ice cream.
He shared with his friend...how nice.
I sat at the kitchen table listening to Zach tell me what he did with the money. I didn't yell. I didn't scream. I didn't say anything. I just sat there. Zach stared at his food, then looked up and asked, "Are you mad at me?"
Yes, yes I am.
So...I didn't erupt. Zach is 9. He's done some really stupid things in the past. But, I chalk it up to the fact, that's he's 9. This, this took a thought process. He had to decide to take the money KNOWING that he would eventually get in trouble. It might not have been today, it might have been the next time he went bowling. I would show up to pick him up and be confronted by the woman at the alley telling me that I owed her money. I would then say, "No, that's impossible, he came with $20 last week." Then I would see the look on his face that would tell me what happened. That didn't happen though. He owned up to what he did. Immediately I told him he would no longer go to the after school program. There was only 3 more weeks left, but that was beside the point, he dug his grave. I told him right then that I wasn't done with his punishment, that I would have to think about it. The whole time my mom was telling Zach that he was a few minutes away from a spanking. Now, I know she was mad. But I stopped spanking Zach a long time ago. It's been at least 3 years since I've given him a meaningful swat on the behind. I didn't have any plans to spank Zach. He tried coming to me two times to apologize, but I was still too mad and told him that I wasn't ready to hear it.
So, right before bedtime I made a decision. While Zach was out talking to Nena, I disconnected his computer monitor. For Christmas Zach got his very own computer for his bedroom. He's been on it a lot, and I knew that this would be hitting him hard, and removing the monitor is a visual reminder of what he's lost. I brought him into his room and told him that he would not have any computer for 1 month. I told him that after 1 month I would decide whether I trust him enough to get the computer back. I also told him that he would be repaying me. Now, Zach went to my grandparents 2 weeks ago, and my grandmother sweetly gave Zach $10 for helping with yard work. I figured it would be too easy for him just to reach into his wallet and pay me back. I told him that I work hard for my money and that he would have to work hard to pay me back, at $0.25 an hour. My cousin Ceara gave me the idea of a quarter an hour telling me that her husband's father used to do the same thing with him and his siblings. She suggested $0.50 an hour, I told her I wasn't adjusting for inflation.
Then I had a conversation with Zach about his behavior. I told him that I was really disappointed in his behavior. I'm always told by my friends and other people about how well behaved he is. I hold higher expectations for him than he holds for himself.
I made a motion at his eye level and said "Zach, this is the level your friends are at. Do you know what level you are on?"
He made a thumbs down motion.
"Wrong."
"Your friends are here", I said making the motion again, "Where are you?"
He gave me a thumbs up sign this time. "That's right. You are way up here!" and I made a motion that was way above his head, way above my head even. I told him how he was so much better than this. That I know what a great kid he is, what a great person he is. I knew he could do better, and that he will do better because he has it in him to do better. I put Zach to bed, he was still visibly upset. He said his nightly prayers in a mumble. Afterward he looked at me and said, "Well, I could have done a better job at that." So I responded, "Then lets!", and we re-said our prayers. After prayers I told him that I was ready to hear his apology. He told me that he was very sorry that he disappointed me, and that he knows he can do better, and that he would try really hard to be a better son and not do anything like this again. I told him that I loved him very much and gave him tons of good night kisses and an extra long goodnight hug.
After I told Nena and Papa that Zach was waiting for his goodnight kisses, I went into my bedroom and tried really really hard not to cry. I've said before that I'm going to be bad at this parent thing. I'm going to make a ton of mistakes. I can't help but feel that I've done something in his rearing that would have compelled him to do this, especially when he can't tell me WHY he does the things that he does! Every day is a new adventure with a 9 year old boy. I said the same thing last year when he was 8, and I'll say the same thing next year when he's 10. I thank God that he blessed me with such a wonderful little boy.
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