Where is "he" already??

I've been in a funk all day now, to the point, where I'm getting mad! A poignant Sex and the City scene keeps popping into my brain. The girls are sitting around the usual table at their usual coffee shop talking about the usual relationship stuff when Charlotte blurts out, "Where is he already? I've been dating since I Was 15! I'm exhausted!" That's me...to a "T", but not with men, with my J-O-B!

Where is it already??? I've been working since I was 15. I started working at K-Mart in the shoe department. Then went on to working summer jobs at the Saratoga Spa State Park. I worked for years at Montgomery Ward (Monkey Wards) until they closed down. I've babysat, worked as an assistant store manager in a women's clothing store, cashiered at two different gas station chains, was an auction girl at an auto auction, I even flipped burgers for Burger King for THREE WHOLE DAYS when I was 18. After my son was born I went to work for a medical billing company and worked my way through every office position there.

Then...I went back to school. At 28 I decided enough was enough. I had worked too many dead end go-nowhere don't need even a high school diploma jobs and I wanted more. I went back to school. I originally was going to go back for Nuclear Radio-technology. I was going to be the technician who gave people MRIs and cool tests like that. But when I found out that I would have to move to Buffalo for an extended amount of time, I changed my educational path. I stuck with science, got my Bachelor's in biology and decided-I'm going to be a high school teacher! I was told all throughout college that teacher's are a much needed commodity. That some 50% of the teachers are in retirement age and the schools are HURTING for good teachers. So-I went on and pursued my Masters in Education. The whole time being told-Oh, don't worry, you're a science teacher, you'll have no problems getting a job.

Unfortunately when it was time for my flower to bloom, the recession hit, the economy tanked, and the new governor (who received his post by default) decided that it would be a GREAT idea to start cutting funding towards education.

So here I am, 9 months later, working as a substitute teacher. But that's only IF I get called. January-I was called 4 times. So far this month, 5. So, here I am, with a part time job at a grocery store.

I'm frustrated.

I'm angry.

I'm depressed.

I'm still waiting...

I think I can, I think I can...

Well, I did it. I took my first step yesterday to a better financial future. I had my appointment with my lawyer and "retained" her. I also did the unceremonious shredding of the credit cards. My friend was right. My wallet feels "naked" without them sitting there. It's not like I was using them. They were sitting there as the reminder of all the debt I've gotten myself into. Now though, there is a sense of freedom. I will no longer be a slave to my debt. I will be the one holding the reins of my future. I NEED HELP!

As much as there is some sense of relief, there is still an overwhelming feeling of defeat. I've gotten myself into this mess, no one helped me. My attorney tried to make me feel better. Tried to tell me that I haven't had it easy-being a single mom, getting my college education, enduring the loss of 95% of my person possessions in a fire, not being able to find a full time job since I graduated. All these things have been piling up on my shoulders along with my debt. Unfortunately for a long time I ignored the words of people who really did care about me who were telling me that I was going down a road that was going to be hard to come back from. I've always been someone who has to learn from her own mistakes. Even if I've had to make those mistakes a couple of times. I just wish the "I told you so's" didn't sting as much. I've admitted my defeat. I was wrong. I never received a good financial education. I went with the "norm". What good does it do to continually throw it in my face over and over how deep I've dug my hole? Some people, even family, get joy out of being right, out of getting in the stabs whenever they can to feel as self righteous as possible I guess.

I WAS WRONG! I DID WRONG!

I'm not so narcissistic that I cannot admit when I'm wrong. I've been wrong before, and I'm about 99% sure that I'll be wrong in the future. But I'm going to fight with all my might not to be wrong about THIS again. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt(and way to much other stuff I probably shouldn't have). Reality has slapped me the face...and I'm listening.

With that being said, I'm FIERCE. And, I CAN DO THIS!

Relationships...I might not be cut out for them, but that doesn't mean I'm giving up.

It seems I always find myself in front of the computer at odd hours of the night. Tonight I had a really great conversation with someone I consider a dear dear friend. He allowed me to vent (yet again...) on a subject I've often vented to him about. After that we got down to some heart to heart conversation. Why is it that I always have these ground breaking, actually opening up and getting to the truth of it conversations with you when it's the wee hours of the morn'?

So, weirdness, the conversation brought up some thoughts in my brain about myself that I tend not to deal with. I'm very good at that...not dealing with my own "stuff". I've always found that I've been a very good listener. I'm great at lending an ear to a fellow sufferer. But when it comes to my own "stuff" I've never been able to connect with anyone to really get down to the meat of my issues.

So, tonight, even though during my phone conversation I touched upon this, I want to address one of my "stuff" things.

I've always prided myself on being an independent woman. I've been a single mom now for some 10+ years. I've always lived on my own. When I did live with someone, my son's father, I was the provider. I was the one to go bust a hump to bring in money, buy the groceries, fix the house up, etc. etc. etc... I've never actually had someone take care of me. I don't think I've ever actually ALLOWED anyone to take care of me.

Over the past 5 months I've been thinking about my past relationships and tried to figure out where they went "wrong". I'm not so narcissistic to say that it was all their fault and I did nothing wrong. In one or 2 of them I can say...yes, I let myself get taken advantage off, they shouldn't have treated me that way, or they were wrong. In others, I can place blame on myself and say, yes, that was me, that was my fault.

I'm not going to even attempt to talk about my 1st real relationship. It was a good time, it was a bad time. For the most part, I still have the dark bad times in the fore front of my memory, so I won't try to dwell.

So, I think the healthiest way to try to evaluate this particular subject is to look at the relationships that were the "good" ones, aside from the fact that they ended and I am still single that is (we'll just forget that point for the time being). First, "Matt". His name isn't really Matt, but I am changing names to protect the innocent. Matt was my first real relationship after I had Zach. Matt was great. He took all my past junk that I dragged into the relationship and allowed me to draw lines, establish relationship "rules", and then he eventually was there when some of my walls came down. Problems, well, Matt wasn't divorced yet. He had been in a very bad marriage, his wife left him for another man and left their son with him, pretty much abandoning the poor kid. I was at a point in my life where I was extremely unhappy with my job. When Matt could see the finish line of his marriage in sight, he started talking marriage to me. Meanwhile I was looking toward a different horizon-my education. Needless to say, we were looking in opposite directions. Where I went wrong...instead of making compromises, instead of saying, HEY-lets wait on that whole marriage thing so that I can go back to school, I ran. I quit. I can admit that now. Matt had suggested that I go back to school part time. I didn't want that. I wanted to take on school head on. I want I want I want... So, are you seeing the problem here? Instead of dealing with the situation like a rational adult, talking to the special someone in my life about decisions that would effect both of us, I went ahead and made the decision for us. I left. I walked away. I ran. Selfish...I know. Hindsight is 20/20. I can say that I loved Matt, but ultimately wasn't in the kind of love with him, as he was with me.

Then there is... Devin. Again, names have been changed to protect the innocent. Devin and I were best friends. I loved him. I still do love him actually. I think that's how when you look back on things you can tell that it was really love, when you look back at all the good and the bad, and can still say-I love them. Well anyway, so, Devin and I were best friends. I would hope to still say that he is still one of my best friends. I had a lot of fun with him. We had some of the best conversations. And I feel like he "got me" better than any other guy I've ever dated. The problem with this relationship is we were also really good at hurting each other. We did that both equally. We both entrusted each other at the very beginning of the relationship with each other's baggage. In doing that, I made sure to keep him at an extremely huge distance, to the point that when he first divulged the least bit of verbal sentiment, I freaked. I successfully pushed him away which resulted in him doing the same. So, here-I again, tried to control the situation.

The last, we'll call him Rob. Rob was way too emotional for me. He was overbearing and too possessive for me. He was the first guy, besides my son's father, that I dated that I didn't know for a time before I dated him. I thought, a step outside my usual box would be good for me. I was wrong. I find comfort in knowing someone before I start to date them. That could be me not wanting to take a chance, but who knows.

So, in retrospective, I see a few things. My inability to depend on someone else. I do know that it's not that I want to be completely dependent on someone else, because I don't think that is healthy either. But I want to strive for inter-dependence. To be equally dependent on someone. It's not that I don't need someone. I do, I need someone to be my friend, to spend time with, to talk to. I need someone to help me and support me in my decisions in life, as I would want to help and support them as well.

My taking over a situation and not working with my "partner". This actually goes back to my inability to depend on someone else. Again-something I need to work on.

And my willingness to open up and show my true self? Always hard for me...but I'm getting better!

I'm not trying to be completely critical and down on myself. I just realize that there are some things I need to be a grown up about. This is one of them. My self in a relationship. I will continue to pray and ask God to bring good positive people into my life. I know that when the time is right He will bring someone into my life whom is what I need and whom I want. For now, I'll ask God for the strength and guidance to work on myself in ways that will improve the person that I am and person that He always wanted me to be.